The What if? The Maybe ...

 

I don’t know how to say this without sounding like I’m still trying to make sense of it. Maybe it’s not even about making sense. Maybe it’s about feeling what I’m feeling even when I don’t want to. Even when I don’t think I should. I don’t know. I’m still broken, still not whole, still trying to piece together something that fell apart a while ago. But, yeah, here I am—wondering what if?

You ever ask yourself that question? What if everything you’ve known, everything that’s been in front of you, is just a step toward something else? But then you realize, shit, you’re not ready for that something else. Or maybe you are, but you just don’t want to admit it. You don’t want to risk it. Not when you’ve been this broken. Not when you’re still so messed up.

I’m not whole yet. I’m not even sure if I ever will be. But there’s this part of me, this stupid little part, that keeps going back to that moment when everything shifted. When that someone asked me something simple—will you ever feel for anyone again? 

And I said, “It’ll be you, if I do.” 

Then I hung up.

Because I couldn’t stand the possibility of hearing that laugh, that hesitation, that thing in his voice that would make it all real. I don’t know if I wanted him to say it too. Part of me did, I guess. And part of me... part of me was terrified.

So, now I’m sitting here, broken as hell, still trying to pick up the pieces. But all I can think about is what if? What if I was wrong to shut that door? What if it could have been different, could be different now? What if I don’t have to be fixed to have this? What if I could just... feel? 

What if I could just let myself feel again, without all the walls?

But I don’t know how he feels. 

I don’t know if he ever even saw me that way. Maybe all this—everything—is just in my head. Maybe it’s just me overthinking, like I always do. Like Yoongi says in “The Last,” “I don’t know if it’s the right answer, but it’s all I’ve got.” And maybe that’s all I’ve got too. This what if that keeps me up at night, making me wonder if I missed something—if he missed something—or if I’m just in my own head, making up a story that isn’t even real.

I've always trusted him.. but is this how we're gonna be always... Although I'm completely happy being that way. Comfortable, close, but not just enough to cross the line. 

I can’t even tell if I’m looking for a reason to hope, or if I’m just afraid of letting go of what could’ve been. It’s like I’m stuck between Jungkook’s “Euphoria,” that feeling of hope, and Taehyung’s “Stigma,” where you feel like you’ve got this darkness inside that you can’t shake off. I just keep wondering, what if I let it go and then regret it? What if this is the moment I’ll look back on and think, why didn’t I try?

But then again, if I’m not honest with myself, I’ll never know. And the silence between us—well, it doesn’t help. The quiet. The little glances that could mean something, or maybe they don’t. Maybe I’m just chasing after something that’s not there. But maybe I’m not the only one who’s confused. Maybe he feels the same way, but neither of us can figure out how to say it. Like in “Answer: Love Myself,” maybe we’re both just waiting for the right moment, but that moment never comes.

But maybe I’m wrong. Maybe it’s all just me. Maybe I’m imagining all this because I want it too badly. What if I’m just holding onto a fantasy, like RM in “Spring Day,” where everything is almost within reach, but not quite?

I don’t know. Maybe I’m not ready for the truth, but the question still lingers. What if? What if it’s not all in my head? What if there’s something here we’re both too scared to acknowledge? What if, even in this broken state I’m in, maybe—just maybe—I’m meant to feel this again? What if it’s really him?

And then, I think about the line from “Epiphany,” where Jin sings, “I’m the one I should love in this world.” Maybe it’s not about being fixed first. Maybe it’s about being honest enough to say that even though I’m broken, I’m still capable of feeling. I’m still capable of this.

So yeah, maybe it’s nothing. 

Or maybe it’s everything. Maybe I’ll never know, but that what if will stay with me. 

For now, I guess it has to. 

Because sometimes the question is more important than the answer.