MAP OF MY SOUL

It’s around 3 a.m. right now. I’m curled up in bed, drenched in sweat, half-shivering, half-burning, with malaria clawing at every inch of me. My fever has been hovering around 103° all day — a number that should probably have sent me to the hospital by now, but here I am, still at home, head pounding like a war drum. And still, I've never been the one to succumb, never taught how to, even in this hell state... so here I am trying to write down something just trying to make all this noise a little quieter. Tbh I would've written this in my journal, but my hands aren't allowing me rn to do so.  This is me being really vulnerable and in a dire need of a hug (Free hug, Taehyungieee >.< ) I can’t sleep. Not really. Not with this heat in my veins and this ache in my bones. So I lie here instead, drifting somewhere between nausea, pain, and too many thoughts. Maybe it’s the fever, maybe it’s the vulnerability of being this sick — but suddenly everything feels louder. The e...

  You ever look at someone and think, “Wow... I really didn’t plan for you, but now I can’t imagine doing life without you?” Yeah. That. I didn’t mean to get attached. Didn’t think I had room for new people — not after everything. Not after him . You know, the one I thought was going to be forever, until forever turned into a bunch of jagged pieces I didn’t know how to carry. Grief makes everything colder. Quieter. It turns you into someone who flinches at love and hides behind “I’m fine” like it’s a personality trait. I stopped expecting people to stay. Started assuming even the kindest ones would get tired of me eventually. And then... someone didn’t leave. He didn’t make some grand entrance. No dramatic “I’m here for you” moment. He just kept showing up. Over and over. With dry humor, terrible timing, and this lowkey annoying ability to know when I’m lying about being okay. Like bro, let me spiral in peace?? But also... thank you. Because even when I was pushing people ...